Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
