allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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