in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
