WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
