I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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