I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
