1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
