I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
