my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
