just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Randomize
