A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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