You can't special order awesome
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
