Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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