he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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