apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
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There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss