I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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