Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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