We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
