Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
