We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
