i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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