Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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