I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
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You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
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When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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