Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
