saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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