Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
