He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
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I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
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Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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