yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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