If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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