It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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