Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
