I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
