So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
