i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
