please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
