My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
