Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
