I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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