you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
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