xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Holy sore nipples Batman
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
