Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
As shirtless as possible
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
