You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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