i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
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