i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
