Only a mothe r could love this liver
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
