I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
