My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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