so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
