well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
