I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
