please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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