I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
