Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
