Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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