I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
This house was built for laser tag.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
