I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
