So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
